Who do you want to be?

#20

2011-05-01T23:08:00.000-07:00

"The person who has stopped being thankful has fallen asleep in life." -ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON

What about life don't you trust?

I've noticed in the recent weeks of my own life, I've been finding MORE of my trust with life, with the universe, with God. I trust that my dad will find the peace and tranquility he seeks. I trust that the journey I am called to will be shown in time. I trust that I have all the abilities and love to complete anything I ever want. But what don't I trust? In moments of heartache, I don't trust myself or the plans of the stars. I am no longer a creature lacking self-worth. I know that I may be complicated at times, but I am truly worth knowing. I will always be willing to give something to someone, anyone who is willing to share a little bit of themselves with me. i don't trust the transformation of myself in times of confusion. I hear the thoughts of a girl whom I have no idea where she came from. When the struggles get too hard, I feel hopeless. When my dad has another confusing episode, I start to feel like I want to die. Which is completely dramatic, but oh sometimes I feel like their is no escape. Refuge with a friend for two hours leaves me no peace. I no longer find myself happy to come home, but instead dreading it. So do I not trust the lessons of the cards that were dealt to me? Do I not trust the fruits and treasures that lay in everyone we come across? Even the overly sarcastic boy that you sometimes you feel like you can't even stand? or the boy you've opened up your heart to and still can't realize how beautiful you are? At times, no I don't trust these things and I don't trust the plan provided for me. I lose faith and lack a shit ton of love. These are the moments when the art of love should be practiced, when I should push for the highest version of myself and let the old Leigh continue to sink. Truthfully though, sometimes I just want to be held. I want someone else to take the initiative to take care of me and carry me through the day. I want someone to graze the curves of my shoulder and whisper to me that everything will be okay. Not just in my own personal life, but in the entire world. There is so much hate in the world it's sinks heavy on the heart. I wish for an entire world boosted on the foundation of love. Where there are no social classes, no races, no competition. Just people doing their jobs because it's what they love to do.

i don't trust the power of the love in my heart all the time,
but I'm learning to.

#19

2011-03-24T21:53:00.000-07:00

"Kindness costs nothing."-IRISH PROVERB

For whom or what could you kneel and kiss the ground?

Looking into my dog's eyes right now, I could kneel to the ground, and kiss him. It's been a hard week for the both of us. He's been suffering his after-effects for getting into some treats he shouldn't have and I'm just exhausted. It's a strange occurrence when you get resentful because you care TOO much. I hope Jack knows how sorry I am when I want to be left alone in my room or watch a single episode of SVU in peace. I just needed my alone time. I hope he knows how much I love him.
I could kneel and kiss the ground for every person that's inspired me, disgusted me, and forced me to grow. We don't chose the lessons that life serves us, we can only choose the attitude in which we digest them, so that they may serve us to the best of their abilities. I kiss the ground for all the people I've met in my life and the one's I can count on my hand that I can call my friends. The people who see different shades of me on different days, some are agreeable, some are very disagreeable. Yet, it's the entire mix-matchup pallet that makes this creature. Lately, I've felt so frustrated. Frustrated by people, situations, missed opportunities, fear, and whatever else. In my depths of me, I want to kiss the ground and just thank whoever wants to listen that I'm happy to be alive, happy to be here. I want to make good of my time in this earth and shacked up in this skin. i want to make good on whoever created me and the puppeteer behind the nooks and crannies of my personality. I want to make good on MYSELF. It's a sure thing in every young woman's life that sooner or later you have to remind yourself that there is more to life than someone's hand to hold, more than the current eye of your affection, more than whether or not they like you back. We consume so much of our time and lives being worried about things we can't control. We worry away all our free time to enjoy life, experience something new, or just feel the waves of our breath shifting through the arteries. To me, it's impossible to love someone when you have not yet learned how to love yourself and being with yourself. Yet, like the feeble fucking creature I am, I stumble, I fall, and I wonder why so-and-so doesn't try/likeme/wanttohangoutwithme/whatever. WHO CARES? I always say that I want to create a good experience for myself, but by the looks of everything I haven't been doing a very good job. Happiness is an art and I want to create it every chance I get.

Like right now as I smile warming at these page full of words. Not thinking if what I said made any sense or if it sounds eloquent and fit for The Atlantic Weekly. The magnificence of life isn't hidden behind a great awakening or a swiss bank account. It's also in the deepest disasters and most troubling questions. Don't be afraid to step out and be present to it.

xo.
L.

#18

2011-03-23T00:03:00.000-07:00

"We empty ourselves to be filled with God. Even God cannot fill what is full."
-MOTHER TERESA

"What is true about you?"

Every time I see the question, I fill up with fear. What is my answer going to sound like? Will it be smooth and transitional? Jesus, what am I even going to say? What makes me feel most alive is something that I cower away from the most. I don't write because history has showered us with hundreds of other great puppeteers of the words. My own friends can even pen a beautiful paragraph or two. Complete strangers in classes being published and expressing their love of the word. At the risk of sounding idiotic and vain, I have no fucking idea where I fit in. I'm just a girl who knows how to write about life, experiences, and the jargon in my mind. It's where I come to figure things out (or at least make a really good attempt), to process, and to see growth. Fifteen year old me finished a notebook a lot differently then twenty-two year old me. It's where I come to rejuvenate and forget about the world for a little while. No one can touch me here and it's a place where even myself can't forsake and sin it with dishonesty. It's a time to sit, be quiet, and dive in to the great ocean that is me (or you). I tell myself often to never forget why I started writing. That once upon a time nobody even knew that I wrote or could form a decent sentence for that matter. Years of compliments didn't give me a big head, it gave me fear and pressure. While age has led me to be deeply grateful for the gift of orchestrating words, I often feel cramped by the audience. If I write this will they still think I'm a good writer? If I'm such a good writer how come nobody ever comments on anything? What is this fuckery? It became less about writing for me and more about writing for the reader. The words suffered, which ended up in me suffering (sometimes I would even cry at night because I just "wanted the words back"). So here's to a new me, a new time to explore the words, and be deeply inspired by the fact that you never stop evolving as playwright of these delicate letters. You don't need a bad day, a complicating love, or a loss to fill up the space with material. All you need is the confidence to speak and to speak truthfully.

With that being said, what I know is true about myself is that I have no idea how to be anyone but me.
A work in progress but me, none the less.

Welcome to it.

xo.
L.

#17

2010-11-15T12:08:00.000-08:00

"It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it."-SOMERSET MOUGHAM

If your life was a billboard, what would it look like or say?
This is simple, it would simply and very clearly say..
DO MORE THAN EXIST.

I am not waiting.

#16

2010-11-14T12:15:00.000-08:00

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."
-WILL ROGERS

What keeps you from asking for support?
I was just talking to my sister last night about how I wish I had more friends that wanted to do stuff. I want to taking cooking classes and I think it'd be nice to share that experience with a friend. I want to do this, I want to do that... and yet, when I think of who I could ask to join me, my mind goes blank. For the longest time in my life I thought that I was just waiting. Just waiting for the universe to part the skies and drop down a handful of people that would become my friends forever. At least that's what I told myself when my current friends seemed to not understand or get on my nerves.
In all honesty, it's me who sometimes don't know what I want or what kind of friend I wish to be. I sometimes have that miraculous ability to project the exact opposite of what I want. How can I expect someone to exude certain qualities in the relationship of friendship when I can't even have the courage to be the friend I wanna be? It appears to be a vicious cycle or at least my mind tells me it is.
I heard today on a church service my dad was watching that when people "walk away" from your life, it means that weren't meant to be apart of your destiny. While I think it's a little harsh, I feel there is some truth to it. We spend most of our lives seeking approval through friends, strangers, and family. We hardly ever ask ourselves throughout the day how we're feeling and even rarely wait long enough to hear the answer.
Today, I am doing absolutely okay.
I'm thinking about the people that have come and gone in my life and how I once thought they were meant to be around forever. Not that it was a bad thing to think that, but we sometimes forget that the natural progression of life applies to our own.
I'm blessed enough to have friends who know parts of me, none of me, and all of me. I cherish them in my own ways and try to find the love amidst the urge to strangle them at times.
I'm just lucky and what keeps me from asking for support is failing to realize that.

I am open.

#15

2010-11-12T11:18:00.000-08:00

"A sense of humor reduces people and problems to their proper proportions."-ARNOLD GLASOW

What gets in the way of you being clear?
I know what I already want to write, but I paused before starting. I started looking at pictures, trying to gather up some inspiration or courage to get out what I have to say. I realized that this is just a form of procrastination most of the time, I already have the courage to say what I wish within these lines.
I'm glad this question is being asked because it's something I need to confront.
One thing I've realized in my short human life is that sometimes people will never know how they've affected you. I use to think that people should always know what they've done to you, how they've changed you (whether that be good or bad), and just the impact they've had on your life. Reeling back in from my last encounters with Ryan, I realized that sometimes it just doesn't work that way. Sometimes without knowing, the two parties have two very different perceptions of what happened. Each person sticking true to what they felt in the demise of a friendship. I look back with so much love on that little confused being and I'm so grateful for whatever he is in my life. However, as of right now in the present day, he will never know how much he's hurt me. He will never know how much courage it took to tell him how I felt, how I pined for an entire year to understand emotions I couldn't comprehend. He won't know that I severed our professional relationship because in my gut I felt like that's what had to be done, because I knew that it would force us to progress. He'll never know that while he thought I abandoned him, I took it as I told him I cared about him and he stopped talking to me. That it wasn't the rejection that stung, but the loss of friendship. I can't be clear that it hurt me deeply and I would cry about it on more occasions then I'd like to share. I can't share that him returning after two months of not talking really fucked me up. That I couldn't share with him like I use to, because I didn't trust him. It was a foolish feeling, but my ego led me and I so blindly followed.
He'll never know that the last time I saw him, I watched him write on a piece of paper and I thought about what it'd be like to see his face in the morning and how my heart swelled. How I left that day with a, "See you around" and felt a sadness in my heart because I knew it was a day of acceptance of what was.
We aren't meant to be "real"friends, we're meant to be kept in bubbles for each other to float near when convenient.
I accept that he'll never know these things and that he may never let me tell him these things or want to know these things.
It just feels good to say them somewhere other than my head.
He was a person I cared about deeply, a person I never would've looked twice at, and learned to love. I learned to appreciate the things we connected on and the things that made me want to strangle him. I took the time to evaluate my response to certain things he said and the emotions that surged in events with him. I faced insecurities head on and admitted fears to myself. I felt real, genuine emotion and expressed it.
I would've made an effort with him and my affection had potential to grow.
It didn't work out and that's okay.
I enjoyed the experience even when all I could muster was anger.
We're just not meant to understand everything all the time and it's something I re-learn everyday.

One day I'd like him to know how much he's done to me and my life.
But for now, I'm happy you at least get to know.

I am learning.

#14

2010-11-05T12:47:00.001-07:00

"Why indeed must "God" be a noun? Why not a verb...the most active and dynamic of all?"-MARY DALY

What are you hiding?
For the first time in weeks, months, possibly even an entire year I feel that I am out of hiding. I feel more courage and more confidence to slip outside of the hermit shell and embrace...simply, myself. I don't always feel good some days. I feel like hiding under the covers or saying negative things about myself. I feel like I'm unable to control those days and the moods that manipulate the strum of my vocal chords. When I was younger, I wanted to be a musician. I wanted to tour the world and change something. It wasn't playing music that was so much important, but the opportunity to meet people and make a difference. At that time, I just thought music was the calling to change. When I was twelve, Good Charlotte brought me to my happy place. I think as we move through our journey we encounter a variety of things that simply allow us to feel ourselves again...or our souls, if you will. I would watch interviews, live performances, and watch the then twenty-somethings morph into charming men. I felt courage, felt possibilities, I felt what the soul had to say. Since then, I've gathered many other triggers to my happy place. It's something I'm grateful that I randomly find. However, it's been awhile since I felt it to a full extent. Where I felt like the message was clear and I was well enough to undertake the journey. Yesterday, out of blue I felt ready to let go of past feelings and to move forward. Certain things strike you when you least expect and you realize things you use to want with all your soul, aren't what you want anymore. Not that those people, places, or things aren't great but you understand that you just want more for yourself.
So ten years later from the age of twelve and with their new record out, I find myself watching Good Charlotte interviews again. I feel that happy place and the enthusiasm and energy I felt as a young kid.
I know the bad days come, but they also go.
So while they are away, I embrace it.

I am in view.

#13

2010-11-03T00:02:00.000-07:00

"Who I am is what I have to give. Quite simply, I must remember this is enough."-ANNE WILSON SCHAEF

What have you been avoiding taking on?
I avoid taking on the challenge of returning to the idea of being love. I feel that to survive in today's world and in a lot of my friendships I have to comment on other people. I have to feel aggravated constantly by other people. In my heart, I know that I don't want to be that way, but my mind tells me there is no other choice. When I would feel the urge to curse someone from inside my car, I would find the strength to bless them instead. I don't find that strength anymore.
I avoid a lot but God, I just want to say his name here.
Ryan.
I avoid taking on the loss of whatever he represented to me. I randomly deal with the loss of our friendship and resorting back to the way my life was before him. i find at times I blame myself for having to open my mouth, but know better and am glad that I didn't sweep my feelings under the rug. I wish I could tell him how much I miss him. I suppose I very well could, but stop myself at the risk of making things awkward. Awkward enough to be rejected from the situation, but to make it worse? No thanks.
Certain intervals of the day I feel absolutely okay in the status of where we are. I'm okay with the distance and small, meaningless conversation. Other times, I miss everything I use to feel. I don't remember what it was like to be around him or have him be apart of my life. Truthfully, I don't even want to write these words. I don't want anyone to see these grievances. They seem stupid, naive, and useless. i avoid taking on 85% of my emotions lately.
Today, I just don't know.

I am trying.

#12

2010-11-01T00:17:00.001-07:00

"The way to love anything is to realize it may be lost."-G.K CHESTERON

What do you have an abundant supply of?
I missed a couple of questions due to homework and enjoying a day out with my friend but here I am back to the grind of gratitude. Over tea with my best friend, I realize how randomly I start to feel bummed out about things. She has recently been blessed with a touch of luck in love and is feeling the fruits of mutual affection. She deserves it so much and is worthy being treated like the wonderful being she is. I feel so happy for her, but like the selfish being I am at times it makes me feel my losses. Hearing her repeated words said by the man of her affection makes me think of my man lost. Lost somewhere in translation and my possible naive ability to let go. I think of him and the way his smile took up too much of his face. I feel absolutely okay with the status of where we are at, but I feel the muscles yearn for him at times. What am I holding on to? I simply wish to move forward, yet keep a piece of him. I don't want to lose a person forever simply because a falling out was had. I have an abundant supply of love even if at times I'm blissfully unaware of it. I love those my mind encourages me not to and my dreams further terrorize me into my grief. Can I just be truthful here? In the deepest part of me I feel hope for something. I hold on because something is still telling me to hold on. Sure, months from now I may lose that feeling but for now I just sigh patiently and listen. I don't turn down invitations or wait by my telephone. I just keep him in mind in certain times of the day. Maybe that means denying I'm waiting for him, maybe that means something more.
Whatever it is, a glimpse into the highest version of myself is apparent...
I am abundant in faith.

I am strong.

#11

2010-10-29T23:37:00.000-07:00

"Nothing goes right on the outside when nothing is going right on the inside."-MATTHIEU RICHARD

Who is your hero?
What a powerful question and twenty minutes until my deadline to the next day!
Do I have a single hero or are there many? Do people shine as my heroes on some days and dim as my enemies on others? Of course. I find that my best of friends offer me some daily dose of inspiration and lift me up in times that I thought I'd never get off the ground. Being realistic though, it's the same friends that often find myself frustrated and needing to take a breather or two (...or three). Isn't that what the beauty of love is in some aspects? That no matter the trial of my friendships, on the most random of days, I can feel totally warmed by their love. Total strangers have become heroes. Those who display kindness in a stale world and those who strive for more than what they were given to start with. Jason Mraz isn't so much of a hero, but more of a guiding light. I started my journey of enlightenment after walking out of his set list of songs in NYC. So when the trail gets a little rocky, I look to him for the light. Sometimes it's not even in need a carrying melody, but simply a picture. Honestly, I think we can find a heroic quality in everyone if we try. Even if a stranger's eyes are pretty rare to these words..hell, you could be my hero.
Your digest the spew of this particular soul and we're sharing life together. What's not to admire about you?

I am loving.

#10

2010-10-28T23:44:00.000-07:00

"Usually we think that brave people have no fear. The truth is that they are intimate without fear."-PEMA CHODRON

What is something you could share?
Something that I could share..
Without thinking of obvious material choices, I'd like to say that I wish to share more of me. More of the deep layers that people can never seem to get past. The layers that people possibly don't even know exist. Those fragile sections of self filled with treasures that even I don't visit that often. Ever since Monique died, I felt that I have let myself slowly slip. Slowly releasing the consciousness and choice of good will and intention. I sank back into the old mold and lost motivation to yank myself out. Coming back to this space is step number one. The old ways don't work for me anymore. Seriously, they haven't in awhile but I'm just too much of a lazy creature at times to change. So yes, I would love to share the caring, nurturing, I care about you side of it all. Without the mask of sarcasm or the frequent rolling of eyes. I'd like to return to that feeling of unity and the warmth of love.
CHOOSING LOVE AND USING LOVE.

I am beginning.

# unknown (9)

2010-10-27T21:25:00.000-07:00

"We are awakened to the profound realization that the true path to liberation is to let go of everything." -JACK KORNFIELD

What attachment can you release?
I flipped through the pages after reading this to find a question I was more comfortable answering. Truthfully though, I'm absolutely scared to answer all of them. I'm terrified of the effort to type these words, fearful of the blank pauses that have been on re-run in all forms of my writing, petrified maybe of what I just have to say.
The last time I wrote in this I was high off my visit to Akumal, Mexico and the adventures shared with my lovely Aunt and Uncle. I had discovered the powerful transformations of yoga in the care of an extraordinary teacher and I was still searching for the higher meaning and best version of myself. I was writing about my struggles with a recently acquired friend who I allowed to cross the bridge from professionalism. Later on, I would find out I struggled with many of my feelings towards him.
I'm not aware of the exact months since it's been that I've released words to this page but to my soul it feels like eons. I write these words as a completely lost being, suffering from the lack of courage to make better for herself. I find that I'm too jealous of writers that it retaliates in fear of writing my own words. My books collect dust and the soul suffers. The words are breath and for the longest time I have allowed myself to stop breathing.
Here is the beginning step to regaining that courage. I want to make better for myself and I want to be better for myself and to those I love and those whom I think I could never love.
So what attachments could I let go of?
I could let go of the attachments to the various ideas that there is a recipe to what makes something great. The idea that my English teacher doesn't think I'm a good writer anymore which effects the confidence I have within myself and the words. I could release into the universe the idea that I need Ryan in my possession to achieve my goals in fitness and well-being. Instead of utilizing the lessons he taught me and strengthening myself, I cower in fear in specific weeks of the month and feel that the pounds of flesh lay heavier without him.
I could also release Ryan all together. I hold onto him and the memory of our friendship. I think about resolutions and feel misty-eyed when I dream of possibilities. What I've learned is that you can love someone and absolutely let them go. I know apart of myself has let him go and the status of our union is what the universe calls for. It's the random recollections of memories that my toes cling to. I think of his smile and the way his laugh sounded over the phone.
I cannot hold on to him forever because whether I think consciously or not, I wait for him.

I just want the strength to change and the love to climb out of the rut I've dug.
I want to feel it in the depths of my heart that I would gladly chose love and use love.

I am determined.

#8

2010-02-05T23:28:00.001-08:00

"In everything do to others, as you would have them do to you, for this is the law of the Prophets." -MATTHEW 7:11-13

What is your biggest surprise in life?

How does one even start this? I'd like to say that some of my biggest surprises is when I've found myself more forgiving, more loving, more compassionate, more giving, more understanding than I ever thought I could be. Defying the boundaries that my mind and it's idea of who I am have placed on me. On the contrary, my biggest surprise also is how quickly it is to fall back into that state. To be the person my mind has grown accustomed to being. That judgmental, quickly irritable person who gets so wound up in her head and the little things in life. Sometimes I just think to myself, "Tomorrow I'll start being present....Tomorrow I'll stop thinking about this or that." The past is a memory and the present is a fantasy, all I truly have is right now. That is one of the hardest concepts for humans to grasp.

Today, I wasn't fully the person I'd like to be.

I accept that.

I am flawed and I am on my journey.

I can't keep breaking myself down when I fumble.

The biggest surprise in my life is the grace and support of everything around me, even the soul.

#7

2010-01-19T22:50:00.000-08:00

"Faith begins as an experiment and ends as an experience." - W.R Inge

If you were to make a request of a friend for money, whom would you ask?

These seems like an almost ironic question to answer. I am grateful for the being I am, soaked up in flaws, and radiating in beauty. Sometimes though, my mind tackles and the human condition thickens. I've been told on many occasions how seemingly care-free I am. A slight raise of the shoulders is the only opinion I can muster in regards to choice of restaurant or approval of plans. I'm ready for the journey wherever that may take me!

However, if there is one thing I worry about it's finances.

Money is the thing I can't really find words for. I find no real overall spiritual value for it and don't acclimate my life in order to shovel it in.

Recently, I've been in a tight spot. Not shying away from my responsibility in this said "tight"spot, yet I feel the strain of the financial worry.

My mom suggested that I ask my Dad or two different Aunts for assistance.

I was quick to dig a hole, throw that idea in there, and cover it up.

Why do I find such an uprise in stubbornness in the thought of asking for help?

Surely, I would want people to be able to ask me for help.

It's the mind ticking and it's during these difficult times that prove the real challenge for my journey.

While sitting in pranayama,mantra, and meditation class in Akumal, my teacher stated that sometimes we get uncomfortable sitting the same position for a long period of time but he saw this as practice for sitting on the difficult things in our lives.

If that's the case, I'm the most restless creature.

It's easy to be the person you want to be when your away from your life.

The task is letting your soul be who it really is. Trust in it's courage in everywhere you are.

This is where I am at on my journey and in accepting and facing these challenges, I am open to receiving as much assistance as possible.

Sit still and breathe.

Thank you for being you.

I am grateful.

#6

2009-12-19T12:39:00.000-08:00

"Perception is a learned phenomenon." -Deepak Chopra

Who are you scared to love?

Upon first glancing at this question I thought to myself, "I'm not scared to love anybody."

However, I find resistance in my life in the most unexpected places.

I challenge myself but am scared to love the people I don't understand.

The mannerisms I turn away from.

The point of view that aims in the opposite direction.

I challenge myself to love these things, these people, and yet sometimes I fall so terribly short.

One of my best friends is such a unique, fruitful personality. We don't always see eye to eye and at times take a break from our friendship to rejuvenate ourselves. Last week, I thought to myself that maybe this wasn't right in my life. Maybe the time for this friendship was over. Friday night I challenged myself to feel the love I know I have for this person. I feel asleep that night overwhelmed with feeling even sending her a text, "I just wanted you to know I'm grateful for you." I spend all of Saturday with this wonderful creature enjoying life and enjoying friendship. Yes, we may not agree on everything and our priorities in life may not be similar but love is such a magical thing. It sheds light on the darkness of your own ego and radiates through the other end. It is when I live too much in my own head that I am scared to love people. I find that I'm totally content living my life in my room, surrounded in books.

But the real love is out there IN the people because we are not human beings living

a spiritual experience but extraordinary spiritual beings living a HUMAN experience.

Everything I know, I know because I LOVE.

#5

2009-12-11T16:04:00.000-08:00

"We are chemists in the laboratory of the Infinite. What, then shall we create?" - Ernest Holmes

Say out loud to yourself three times in the mirror:

"I love and accept myself for everything I am and everything I am not."

With my birthday fast approaching this year, I think about my attitude towards it. I've always been very apprehensive about birthdays, only have one real birthday party in my life, and only getting excited about it when I was younger because I gave out cookies to my class.

What I wish the most for my birthday is to just be able to give to people. To buy them presents, take them to dinner, and yet anytime I suggest that I get looked at like I just asked to sacrifice their first born. Giving is just what makes me happy. I was only stoked on my roller-skating party in the 90s because it's what the kids my age enjoyed to do and I gave them the opportunity to do so. I liked handing out Jingles cookies because what kid in elementary school is fascinated and overjoyed by the idea of eating cookies in class? As I got older and I ceased to do those things, I would just wish for my birthday to be over. Now almost twenty-one years physically rooted into the earth, I feel so much more grateful for the day. Not just grateful for being born but grateful for the body that houses me. I'm grateful that it keeps working, consistently functions, and gives my soul a place to lay it's head.

After leaving my eye appointment on the 3rd, I replayed in my head what the doctor said about being blessed with healthy eyes except for the common flaws of nearsightedness and astigmatism. Listening to that conversation in my head again, I felt my eyes water. Just for the fact that I was grateful to my eyes for serving me so well. I find joy in the gym because I feel it's my way of thanking my organs, skin, and veins for being as magical as they are. So in harmony with the above quote from Plenty of Time today, I am grateful for my birthday because I'm grateful for who I am, who I am not, and who I get to be.

I am rejuvenated.

#4

2009-12-09T22:48:00.000-08:00

"Minds were designed for carrying out the orders of the heart." -Emmanuel

Remember you are not the chatter in your head, you are the one who is listening to it.

Not so much a question as a statement that I've been needing to hear. The past few days have been such a far cry from the person I strive to be it leaves me exhausted, emotionless, and on the verge of tears. I don't want to be the person that damns people from the inside of her car, gets irritated when more people come into her job, finds a flaw in another and points it out. These are all things I don't want to be, I know that I'm not, and yet I've indulged in aimlessly throughout the past few days. Sometimes I think I don't really know how to talk to people. I love them, I am fascinated by them, but if you aren't interested in the same things- what is there to talk about?

I'm surrounded by people who all have different views, different interests, and different levels of awareness of themselves. How do you talk about being love and how you wish to lift people up and bring the positive to all situations when everyone else isn't reading the same book?

It's in these moments that I find it hard to connect and my ego decides then it's time to succumb and become more like them.

I judge, I'm angry, I'm miserable.

All because I'm conscious of the fact that these attributes aren't me.

I've always thought that one day I would meet people who would inspire me to grow, to love, to be the person I always wanted to be.

People who got excited about gratitude and working with/helping/talking to people. People who still believed that love was the most powerful thing and that it was everywhere and involved everything.

I catch myself waiting for these people to enter my life when instead I should be brave enough to be the person I know I am in every situation.

This entry is long and spewed aimlessly.

I'm just disappointed in myself.

I am thriving.

#3 four days late

2009-12-06T13:09:00.000-08:00

"I come to not entertain you with worldly festivities but to arouse your sleeping memory of immortality." -Paramahansa Yogananda

Where are you loving bigger than the circumstance?

I feel myself loving even at the simple most interactions with people. When I share a laugh with someone, a connecting moment, or a smile; I feel the affection in my heart. Even in the midst of a disagreement, I remind my competitive body that the love is still there. When I ask strangers about there day, I love them enough to want to hear the genuine answer. I use to think that the beginning of friendships was the most exciting and as the years go by, there is less to learn and less to be fascinated by. However true that the beginning of the courtship of friendship is extremely magical, friendships survived by the years are a true source of beauty and love. There is never enough you could know about a person. I feel myself always evolving, always changing, sometimes at a constant where I can't even catch up. Love doesn't get old, predictable, or finish your sentences for you. It's a constant experience of realization. It has been a true test for me as of late. To love even when the circumstance is ballooning up with the fumes of negative energy. To love even when you've been working six days straight and you just want to sink beneath your sheets until the next millenium. It's finding your love through your ego that helps you grow.

When I first read this question, I thought of one person.

I see them consistently but in controlled situations.

I feel the joy in my heart when I'm in this person's presence.

I don't know if the circumstance calls for the label of friendship, but

I love this person anyway and am happy to share small portions of this greater thing called life with them.

I am being love.

#2

2009-12-02T21:27:00.000-08:00

"May you live all the days of your life." -Jonathan Swift

How has life prepared you for now?

I've read a lot of books that give me different views. Some say life is a school, that everything is a learning experience, others say it's just something we deal with before we die, and others say that life isn't a school but a place for us to remember who we really are in the midst of things we are not. I take pieces of each of these views and form my own. Creative Visualization is something that I dabble in when trying to sort out explanations. We aren't just skin and bones but boundless amounts of energy. We produce thoughts, feelings, requests that we send out into the universe, may we be conscious of it or not, and the universe sends us something back. Sometimes it's not as apparent or handed over in a silver platter. Sometimes it's in the verse of a song or in the book you just picked up by chance. I still have more theories to pencil out and try to make sense of, but for the most part I deal with my experiences in such manners. Life is a school where we get to practice, through the experiences we deal with, the process of remembering who we really are. I've faced heartbreak, loss, love, and pain in my life. At times thinking that I was never going to make it through. I'm ten months into one of the greatest losses of my life so far. Yet, I feel strong and prepared to deal with the rest. I feel confidant, abundant, and willingly to shovel out the love and kindness that roots me to the stars, the universe, and if you wish, God.

Happiness isn't brought on by experiences, words, or circumstance.

It's a choice.

How will you see the things that come into your life?

How will you challenge and question yourself and who do you get to be?

I am eternally blessed.

#1

2009-12-01T23:54:00.000-08:00

"We must not allow the clock and the calendar to blind us to the fact that each moment of life is a miracle and mystery." -H.G Wells

What is one core belief you have about life that you love?

Hidden deep beneath the labels we process things through, there is joy everywhere.

Each moment experienced, survived, and gifted to us is nothing that we haven't taken part in creating. No matter if your belief is in a deity of the simple wonders of the universe. It's apparent that whether we are conscious to the manifestation process or not, something listens and delivers.

the beginning

2009-12-01T23:39:00.000-08:00

I created this blog in hopes to find myself again.

To find, feel, and be myself again.

I will take one question from Terces Engelhart's, "Plenty of Time" every day and simply answer it.

To nourish the delicate rawness of love,care,and kindness that roots my soul.

I lose so much of these things daily because I feel the negativity surrounding me, indulge in the negativity I create, and crumble beneath the burdens I hold.

I choose these steps to uncovering the human,being, soul underneath all the mess.

Because in the end, it's not what I have to do ; it's who I get to be.